Don’t Eat It If It’s Gross (or, Uninspirations from the Paunchy BF)

A few days before Christmas, I was at Costco with the afore-mentioned boyfriend. Alas, my dear health-seeking reader, I must confess early on that pursuing free and numerous Costco samples sits at the top of my list for fun holiday activities. Unfortunately, I speak the truth; therefore you won’t be surprised to learn that, happening upon a limited-timdingdonge-only display of Twinkies and Cupcakes, I quickly overcame my supercilious disgust at these non-vegan, white-flour, probably-gmo offerings and politely took one of each. Meanwhile, the bestower-of-samples smartly underestimated my age by 11 years as she insinuated several uses for these endangered novelty delicacies. Thanking her for the comestibles and helpful information, we rolled off, empty cart in tow, in search of additional toothsome freebies.

Mind you, the BF must be learning something from me because he refrained from immediately popping the entire half Twinkie into his mouth. Instead, the treats were left to sit there in the baby seat of our cart as I contemplated my next move. One of my self-control rules is that I only eat while seated (and not driving). However, except in the summer when the vinyl outdoor furniture is on display, opportunities for resting on one’s laurels do not abound in Costco. So Plan B is to pull over in a quiet area to slowly savor my unseemly find on shank’s mare. And I did, amidst the almonds and organic bi-color quinoa—one very small nibble of artificial yellow and bright white, which I allowed to rest and dissolve in my mouth as I undertook the work of enjoyment. Because another willpower guideline I follow is this: if you’re gonna eat bad food, then you should definitely enjoy the hell out of it. (Which I did.)

We strolled onward, Brett holding back until I had consumed my moiety–another tiny, slow bite–at which point he shoved the entire rest of that cute little Twinkie into his mouth, gulped, and exclaimed, “Gross!” Frankly, it’s far beyond me how he came to determine the thing’s grossness because it barely made oral contact before it was squeezed unceremoniously down his esophagus. Nevertheless, “Gross!” was his assertion, and the question remains, “Why? Why waste bad calories on bad flavor?” One answer I can imagine is that, well, he didn’t know it was gross until he popped it in. True, and that, honeypies, is one purpose of the bijou taste test—that way, if you don’t like it, very few of your bad calorie allotment has been wasted. However, in that one ”gross” gulp of what amounted to one quarter of a Twinkie, he consumed about 35 empty calories—in ONE bite! And there was still the Cupcake to deal with.

You see, that is one of the differences between me and him, between self-control and not, between thin and overweight. If it’s gross, I don’t eat it, no matter how good it looks or how much I was looking forward to it. If it’s gross, I defenestrate it, and quickly, before willpower flags and I succumb to the ancient brain’s strong insistence to “eat everything you can now before famine sets in, gross factor notwithstanding!”

Willpower tips to take along: sit down, taste test, limit amount ahead of time, savor slowly!

And that, Dear Reader, is the subject of this blog, which is based on the eponymous website, http://www.CrashYourDiet.com. From now hence, I will bestow upon you tips and tricks, which, when employed in unison and over time, will result in lifelong health, happiness, and prosperity for you and yours. Er, well, at least they’ll help you get a better handle on your eating behavior. 

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